They say having a baby is one of the most enjoyable and amazing experiences of ones life, an event that brings a couple together.
But thats not always true.
Having Danny was both amazing and hard.
Having Josh was unbelievably amazing.
But there was a time in between. One of the most challenging and hardest times of our marriage.
Falling pregnant came with its own challenges. We battled.
There were countless tests, Doctors visits, monitoring cycles, many negative pregnancy tests, needles, medications and eventually we received our first positive.
I’ll never forget sitting in the bathroom of our tiny flat with Carl by my side waiting to see 2 pink lines and when they appeared Carl had the biggest smile on his face. It was lots of laughing, smiling, hugs and kisses.
This explained the sudden fatigue and lack of appetite I had for a few weeks.
We were finally there!
I called my Docs rooms and scheduled an appointment for that week.
First scan confirmed I was just over 6 weeks along and there on the monitor was a tiny little sac with a bean.
A few weeks later I started to feel strange, since this was not my first pregnancy and I know my body well I could feel something was different. Insteaded of my preggy symptoms increasing they started fading slightly and I knew it was too soon for this.
That Sunday, we joined Carl at Koeberg Nature reserve for his weekly cycle with his Dad and brothers. I was 10 weeks along and counting down the days till I was in the “safe zone”. Later that afternoon I started spotting.
To me this wasn’t too much of a concern as I had it with my first pregnancy too. But it definitely raised a flag.
By the following Wednesday it was still there and I called my Doc and scheduled an appointment. She could see me the very next day.
Unfortunately for me Carl couldn’t join me due to work commitments and I didn’t think anything would be wrong. I was wrong.
My Doctor confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat, and just like that. It was over.
The next few minutes with her are still a blur. I don’t remember anything she said apart from “I’m so sorry Lindsay”. Somewhere between Week 10 and 12 our Angel baby returned to heaven.
She booked me for an evacuation procedure the following Monday.
I walked out, gutted, heartbroken and in shock. I called Carl and cried, I ugly cried. Then I called my Mom and cried some more.
As I laid in theatre that Monday at Vincent Palotti the Anaesthetist held my hand as I cried. He told me he knew what I was feeling and that it would be ok. I may not feel it but I’d be fine. I could feel myself drifting away and crying. And when I woke up, it was over and Carl was sitting with me. I burst into tears again. I never knew I could cry that much. Then I demanded to leave. I needed to get out, to get away from the Hospital, the staff, the crying babies in the passages.
In the 3 months that followed Carl and I fought daily. We woke up angry, went to bed angry, shouted at each other, ignored each other, I became ugly towards him and then we decided to just STOP. Stop the fighting, the shouting, the swearing, the rudeness and put having a baby on hold.
We needed to forgive each other, to grieve together and focus on us or our marriage would not survive.
I stopped all the meds, I stopped checking temperatures, weight and cycles. I cancelled my follow up appointment and shredded my Pathcare forms.
This is what my marriage needed. We needed to be healthy and happy again, free from the added stresses in our lives and when the time was right, we’d venture down the fertility path again one day…
We got iur relationship back on track, we were happy and communicating better than ever before. But the baby thing… well…
Well God had other plans… and a few weeks later we were pregnant with Joshuah. Completely unplanned, and medication free.
But we survived, and we were in the right space in our marriage.
GOD’S timing is ALWAYS perfect!
Its hard when life doesn’t work out the way you envision or expect, but its how you handle the storm that makes the good times so much more memorable.
So just hang in there!